Parenting for Dummies

On that note, I am not a parent, but I definitely have an opinion. 

There are so many aspects of parenting, and I really don't have the time, the energy, or even the knowledge to discuss them all. 

I will discuss what I do know.

There are 3 styles of parenting

1. Autocratic: The dictator parent. Parent allows little freedom and often leads to a power struggle.

2. Permissive: The doormat parent. The parent allows the child to walk all over them. Parents give too much freedom or make decisions for the child. 

3. Authoritative: The active parent. This style is the most effective. Parent offers freedom within limits. 

Want to find out what style you are? Take this quiz. You will probably be surprised. I was. 

Parenting style quiz

STRESS

With any family comes stress. When under stress we revert to what is familiar. That may mean that when you get mad at your child for something, you turn into your mother. When dealing with your child in a stressful situation, maintain respect. Once you lose respect for them, they are likely to then act out. With mutual respect, so much more can be accomplished. It is important to remember that it's us against the world, not us against each other. 

We are worldly individuals by nature. We as humans, feel that we need to point out other's flaws because if we don't point them out, no one will. This happens quite a bit in the family. We feel it is our duty to make sure they know they have flaws. 

As a parent, you do not want to point out your child's flaws. It will lead to a low self esteem and self worth and it discourages the child. Be genuine when complementing and show that you have faith in them. This will encourage them to try harder and increase their self esteem. 

There are so many more things I could talk about , but I just don't have the time, and my fingers hurt a little. Lol sorry. 

If you do want more tips, I highly suggest visiting this parents guide. 

Challenge: Be genuine in your words and intentions. Don't give hollow compliments. Try to be a better example. Children are very good at observing. May as well be a good example. 

Sorry, one more picture quote. 

Work, work, work, work, work, work... then some other words I don't understand. 

Rihanna knows what's up. 

Work is an essential characteristic of tight family. I know that when I was little, we had a lot of chores, and we always had jobs to do. A lot of the time, we were working together to accomplish something. We all hated it at first but most of the time it brought us closer as a family. But if you ask any of us kids, we will all say, it was terrible, and we didn't have any fun. 

Work used to be created by, and done together as a family. Now it is something that "needs to get done". 

Back in the day, when families had farms to provide for themselves, everyone had a job to do, and if it didn't get done there would be a problem. Then the fathers started working in factories. Mothers were stay-at-home moms and the children would go off to school. Now it is common for both parents to work and the child gets raised by someone other than its parents. 

Yale did a study on satisfaction of working women. 10 out of 11 women were disappointed that they delayed getting married and having a family. 

With women working, the children are left to be raised by another individual, and who wants to birth a child then have someone else impact that child more than they do? 

"No success can compensate for failure in the home." -David O. McKay.

What does that mean? To me it means that no matter how successful someone may be at their career, if they aren't present at home, then why have a career? Why have a family?

Challenge: Try to be successful in your home. Try a little harder to be a little better. See if it makes a difference. Do you feel more accomplished? 

SEX. 

Okay, now that I have your attention, let's talk about communication.

Oh, wait. Fun fact. When I did talk about sex, on average I had almost 400 page views a day, but any other topic I had about 4 page views.... WOW. 

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE NAIL!

Okay, I love this video because it is so true. I hope you laughed.

So, what's the deal with communication? 

  Thoughts and feelings are encoded, then they are expressed in whatever form the mind encoded them in. Then, the other individual decodes them in a way they will understand. This is where miscommunication takes place. The individual then processes what they decode into thoughts and feelings.  Encoding and decoding is a process, and the better you know someone, the better your coding skills. It's a good thing it is a process and that we all don't just say the first thing that pops into our minds, at least some people don't. Imagine how your interactions would be different if that was the case. I would be screwed. 

Communication is not all verbal. In fact, only 14% of communication is. Nonverbal communication is 35%  and tone of voice is 51%. 

This is why communicating over text is so difficult. Communication cues that are so important to coding are not happening. 

Turns out we, as humans, suck at communicating. We are scared of being vulnerable so we let others do the decoding. 

If someone says, "I like you". Most people are like, "what does that mean?", "MAYBE THAT I LIKE YOU". 

Sarcasm... to say something but mean another. Sarcasm has so much potential for misunderstanding. But why do we use it? Sarcasm is a way of putting up walls; to avoid telling the truth. 

Challenge: Really try to understand others while communicating. Don't jump to conclusions. Try to understand what they are encoding and try to decode the best you can.  

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. I think we could all use a little more dessert and less stress in our lives. 

Stress is no fun, but if you really think about it, most of the thoughts we have that make us miserable aren't even true.

  That means that I could and can spend time on better thoughts. Okay, I should work on that. 

Stress- a biological reaction to adverse conditions or experiences that disturbs well-being.

Crisis- a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, especially for better or  for worse, is determined; turning point.

All relationships have stressers, and all families experience crisis. A crisis can do amazing things for a family. It can increase the trust between individuals, and bring the family closer as a whole. I know that after my family goes through something, we suddenly have new inside jokes and we rely on each other so much more. A crisis can also go the other way. It can cause a family to divide, but I am an optimist and I don't want to think like that.

Every family will experience their own crisis and they will be effected by different stressers. Every family is different.

God gave us trials for a reason. Without pain, there is no joy. Without stress, there is no growth.

Challenge: Look on the bright side of your trials. Try to see how you and those you love can benefit from the trial, or what you learn from the trial.  

Let's talk about sex. But for reals this time.

I'm not going to talk about how babies are made.... cuz let's be real. y'all already know that stuff.

Intimate- Into-my-mate

Sex is NOT the most important aspect of a marriage, but it is a good predictor of how the marriage will go.

Sex is like a very pleasant sneeze. A great build up of energy and then a release.

I do need to mention media. Media gives very distorted ideas of sex. Pornography `is any medium used to stimulate sexual feelings. It is extremely harmful. It provides very unrealistic expectations. Somehow, whenever we talk about sex, a lesson on porn comes with it. That is because they are so closely related in today's world. It leads to feelings of inadequacy and entails cheating.

What if your significant other has suffered from this addiction? Talk about it, but in the most loving way possible. Marry someone who is chased, if not, get chased. Be with someone who has come back from it. Full disclosure is very important.

So, what should you do when you see porn? I highly recommend watching this video.

 What should I do when I see Pornography?

Okay, enough about porn.

A couple should make love, not just have sex. It brings the couple closer, increases communication, shows one cares for the other and visa versa. The best love making is being completely selfless.

Oxytocin- chemical messenger in a woman's body- is released when love making. If a woman does not have sex for a while, she wants it less. But, if a man does not have sex for a while, the more he wants it more.

So, how do you talk to your kids about sex? It is better to hear about it from a parent, or a trusted adult. Start young. Before puberty, it is just information. If a child asks you where babies come from, don't say a stork. The way you want to teach it is up to you and your spouse. The church has a great guide to help with this.

A Parents Guide

Challenge:

1. Don't be afraid to talk about sex. It an important part of our mortal existence. 

2. Don't stand for pornography. Say something. 

Cohabitation is really in right now... but does that mean you should do it? The answer is no.

It is a fake commitment. It is not the same as marriage. It is like having a roommate with benefits. You already have established habits. For example, you don't share finances, so when and if you get married, it is very difficult on a relationship. A married couple who has cohabited are likely to keep their own habits and not mesh well together as a couple. 

Make the leap, make the commitment together. JUST DO IT!!! 

Marriage a a great thing. It is starting a life with the person you love. However, there are marriage ups and downs. At the beginning of a marriage, the couples are the happiest, but with each child the happiness drops a little. Then when the couple becomes empty nesters,  the happiness goes back up.       -However, childbirth can be the most sacred things a couple does together. There is a tremendous amount of bonding between husband and wife. It is a time for the wife to rely on the husband. It gives the husband a purpose.-  With each child it goes down. There are ways of preventing the "baby blues". Do things together. Try to not grow apart. Pay attention to each other and each others needs. 

Challenge: If you are married, do something together that you normally would not do. Strive to please your partner. 

What is love? Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me no more. But really, what is love? I am not the person to ask.

First, how do we become attached to others?

There are many factors that lead to attachment and being in "like".

It should go in this order. If you and your partner are very touchy, you may think you know the person better than you actually do. Or, you may begin to trust them more than you should.

Attachment leads to being in "like" which then leads to love.

There are different types of love: Storge, Philia, Eros, and Agape.

Storge: The kind of love parents have for their children. Sacrifice is a huge part of this love.

Philia:  Brotherly love. The friendship love.

Eros: The touchy feely, ewey gooey love. This love is passionate and with a romantic partner.

Agape: General love for mankind. Charity is a huge part of this love.

So, how do you love?

Challenge: Love everyone you meet with an agape kind of love. See how your day changes. 

Let's talk about sex. NO NOT THAT KIND! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER! That's a topic for another time.

I know that this topic is a very controversial one, so this is my thoughts on gender.

"ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose."- The Family: A Proclamation To The World. 

Gender is ESSENTIAL. That would be the reason why it is so hard to change.

There are so many differences between men and women. Why do people want them to be equal. Equal does not mean the same, and men and women are not at all the same. 

Women are more likely to communicate and long for communication. This is because women have more white matter in the brain which is connective tissue. They also care about relationships and appearance. Males are more likely to be active and have aggressive responses. They are also able to shut out emotions, and not get personally involved in situations. Males have less gray matter in their brain. The gray matter is where memories are stored, so that would be why men are less likely to remember details. 

It makes since to marry the opposite gender. Two women may connect better than a man and a woman, but the women cannot also take on the male characteristics that compliment the female ones. Together, men and women are equal. It's like yin and yang. One needs the other.   

This video is much better at explaining the differences than I am. Watch it. It is defiantly worth your time. 

http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=18&EndCue=2839&VideoName=5687_vcs&VideoType=libraryvideos

So, what did you think?

I'm sure you can guess what I think. I loved the video and I could not have said it better myself.

Before puberty, lots of kids act like the opposite sex. That does not mean they want to be the other gender. Puberty has to run its course before any judgments should be passed. Brother Williams said, "what a shame it would be if parents prevented puberty from taking its course." I completely agree. A child may act like the opposite gender, but that does NOT mean they want to be the other gender. Brother Williams also said that it is important to "validate the valid." This means that when interacting with anyone, you do not have to validate their opinion. But, if you make them feel bad about it, it is unlikely they will come back to you with their problems. Validate what is true and be cautious of the other persons feelings.

Challenge:

    Don't pass judgments right off the bat. Try and look at everyone you meet as a son or daughter of God. Think about how much God loves them. Try to look at others as God does. 

This past week, my roommate has been watching Gossip Girl which got me thinking about class.

What is class? It is a way of organizing individuals of a society into a pecking order, per say. Class can say a lot about a person. How much they make, education level, work ethic, willingness to aid society, and others. But, that may not be the case for many.

I noticed that in the show, their is a lot of stress. Mostly to keep the status of an upper east sider. It seemed to be that the more wealthy individuals only did things to please others or to get their name out. It was never for the benefit of society.  There was always an explanation or excuse. People wouldn't do something nice for another unless they got something in return.

On the flip side, the lower classes also suffer from stress, but in a different way. They struggle to get food on the table, or worry about if they will have enough money that month to feed their family.

I watched an episode of What Would You Do? In the episode there was a homeless veteran, who was an actor, he was at a restaurant asking for food. The workers were also actors, and they had to be rude to the veteran, and tell him to leave. The veteran then sat just outside of the restaurant with a sign. In the end, the people who helped him, or gave him food were the lower class individuals. Not one of the upper class individuals even gave him the time of day. There was a homeless man who walked over to him and gave him the money he had collected. He gave the veteran everything he had.

I feel like people in a lower class are more willing to help, because they have been in a situation where they needed help and someone helped them. It's a since of duty.

If everyone was a little more willing to give back, society would be a little better.

Challenge:

    If you see someone who looks like they might need help, help them. Don't hesitate, just do it. 

Families... The foundation of everything I know. I love my family so freakin much, and I would do anything for them. It really surprises me that others don't feel the same way. Turns out, most people live the exchange theory, the benefits better out weigh the costs or it's not worth my time theory. In a family, how could the exchange theory work if everyone is just thinking about themselves? 

"Being genetically related doesn't make you a family. Love, support, trust, sacrifice, honesty, protection, acceptance, security, compromise, gratitude, respect, and love is what makes you family" - Unknown. 

 I couldn't agree more. Caring more about yourself than your loved ones, but in a way that is over powering doesn't work. A family is a system. It is a unit. Everyone has to work together for the greater good. And that can't be done when you are selfish and unwilling to compromise. I just care so much about my family, and I wish everyone could experience that same love. 

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Hi I'm Samantha. I'm from Virginia, right out of Washington DC. I'm a freshman at BYUI and I LOVE it! I'm studying recreational therapy. My favorite color is HOT pink. I can do the splits. I can't listen to a full song. I love babies and I wish I could rent an infant. I only drink cold water because warm water is gross.